On how to obtain a familiar to cause pain to others

Since Martin Shkreli made it fashionable to be evil, here is an extract from Chapter 10, In which we learn how to summon a demon [to serve you as your familiar]. You can be evil too!

“Four points in particular are required: First, you must renounce the Catholic faith and all of its dogmas—can you recite the Symbol of the Apostles?”

The little woman shook her head.

“You cannot?” The demon seemed to have grown a few inches. “That’ll be enough. Secondly, you must devote yourself to evil. Is there any room inside your heart for love?”

Did the girl count? Not if she was willing to kill her. The little woman shook her head.

“That’s truly sad,” the demon replied, raising his eyebrows. Now he was almost a foot and a half tall. “Don’t you care about anyone or doesn’t anyone care about you?”

Again, the little woman shook her head.

“I can understand why not. You are quite unsightly, and not the most benevolent creature I’ve run upon, but it is still quite sad. Thirdly,” now he was as tall as the sack, “you must offer an unbaptised child to Satan, of which I will share a piece… Make it a fat baby; old enough to walk but not yet officially admitted to the Catholic Church. Do you have a child? Witches often sacrifice their own children… Do you know of any? Fourthly,” the demon continued, ignoring the look of anguish on the little woman’s face at the idea of having to steal a child for her familiar, “you must indulge in every kind of carnal lust with Incubi and Succubi and in all manner of filthy delights. I have some friends I can summon…”


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